The Low Period
Venting in some attempt at pulling myself out of it
I don't really know.. I've got a tendency to react negatively in my mind when things are going too good. And I hate that about myself. There's the honeymoon period of it all, when I'm first emerging from the Pit of Gloom, and then life falls into a familiar pattern of routine and sameness. Which forms into normalcy, complete with the daily tasks of life and appointments and obligations. All of those things, that were my respite from the gloom, suddenly become tiresome and draining.
Not everything can be fun and enjoyable all the time forever. But I'm not sure how to balance between instability/mania flareups, and then losing my spark. When nothing, even the fun things, feels right or positive... And then life becomes an exhausting trudge to make it to bedtime each day.
I'm realizing I don't know how to be happy and stable at the same time. And maybe depression isn't stable either, but it's what's left when I self discipline myself into leading a 'healthy' life. I don't know how to be half on and half off. I don't know how to be partway, balanced, in the middle.
And it's making me weary, throwing positives at my brain and being met with a splat, thud, and nothing in response.